The conversation starter

So, my boyfriend’s daughter can get pretty shy.  I know she has a lot on her mind, but it is hard for her to express herself out loud.  I also, find it difficult to start a conversation with her about the important stuff. So, after a conversation with my sister about it, I decided to start a journal.

This journal is just between us.  Kind of like passing notes back and forward in middle school.  The first day we did this, wow! did she find her voice! She had about 8 hard questions that she wanted to ask me.  They range from, “Do you hate my mom?” to “What should I call you to my friends?”. I don’t always have the answer to everything. I try to be honest and reassure her that I love her and that I am here for her.  If she doesn’t want her dad to know about what we talk about then she can write, “DTD” (Don’t tell Dad).

I try to also, write little notes about how amazing she is and how I had a great weekend or something.  I don’t want the journal to always be a negative thing, so keep it light (sometimes).

I know this works well for girls, I have not tried it out on boys yet.

Note: Keep in mind that her mother could potentially see this journal.  So, don’t say anything that you would be worried about her seeing.

 

-Thelma

 

 

Knowledge is Power

Ask the tough questions that you are scared to.  If he leaves you because you asked him something personal, then it probably would not have worked out in the first place.

Read, dig, find out information…. hold the key to your success!

The Tale of Two Timelines

One of the hardest things about dating a man who is either getting a divorce or is recently divorced, is that your timeline started when you first fell in love with the man.  His timeline is a little different.  He may have the time marked when he first fell in love with you, but his most likely started when his divorce was finalized or when he closed the door of his marriage.  He looks at how far he has come.  How much strength he as gained, how much he has grown, how much he feels like himself again, how much he has moved on, etc.  The difficulty comes when you both view your future or the certain “milestones”.  I never pictured myself as having to get married by a certain age or having to get engaged after a certain time of dating.  But, what has thrown me off guard is the fact that we want to get married, but his past is not out of our way yet.  It becomes a road block or at least a “slow down congestion ahead” sign.

The only way of not feeling overwhelmed with frustration that I can think of is to take a deep breath, step out of the relationship (to re-evaluate) , and set your expectations.  Also, sitting down and making sure you are on the same page helps tremendously (see Conversation Starters to help)

Realigning the timelines is an essential part to making sure that you get the future that you both want!

-Thelma

Calling it quits?

Sometimes it seems like too much.

He is overwhelmed.

She is overwhelmed.

They lost the road.

They had no road map.

There were no clues.

But, there was love.

There was always this great love.

Oh, how they loved each other…. deeply, madly, soul quenching.

His past knocked them off the road.

He wanted to quit.

She wanted to quit.

He didn’t want to quit.

She didn’t want to quit.

They loved each other… deeply, madly, soul quenching.

Was it enough?

Parent and Child Horoscope Compatibility

I thought this was an interesting site to gain some introspective on relating to your child based on your and their astrological signs.

http://www.babycenter.com/horoscopeCompatibility.htm

Oh, you mad huh?

So He told me the other day after His ex dropped the kids off that she talks shit about me. Like mad shit about me to him.  I said why she doesn’t even know me to talk shit. But its not about me, she’s mad because she left and is now regretting it. Not only did she leave the man, she left the kids, shit she left her whole life and moved from one coast to the other and now she’s mad because I’m picking up where she left off, except I’m doing it better because I actually want to be here. She calls me an idiot because I have stayed with this man regardless of His faults. She tells Him things like go take care of your 4 children, meaning the 3 and me. She’s mad that He found someone younger than her. She even threatened to tell all her Facebook friends that He was a pervert, which don’t even get me started on what a stupid threat that is, fucking Facebook, get real. She hates the fact that we have a child together because it means I’m staying, I’m not just some random girl. And she hates the fact that another woman is essentially raising her kids.

When she calls the kids to talk to them He puts it on speaker phone because they’re little and can’t really pay attention enough to keep a phone at their ear so i hear every word. The youngest is always telling her mom to say hi to the baby and the baby this and Louise that. She told Him that she feels really jealous that both kids mention the things they are doing with me. She gets uncomfortable when the youngest tells her how much she loves her baby brother, and its like sorry do you want us to deny her the right to discuss her life because you feel bad. As i know and grow to love these two kids more and more i get more and more pissed off. Like first of all who does that, who just up and leaves their kids when they are the most vulnerable. To just think about it as a person its a little hard to understand but to know and love those babies, its beyond maddening. I know she justifies it to herself that she is doing it to better herself for the sake of her babies. And I’m all for that I think we should strive to be better people once we have babies because they are always watching, you as the parent are their role model, they determine what is possible for them based on what you have made possible for yourself. But come on, if you wanted to go to grad school, there are at least 7 schools in this area alone, not to mention an hour or so drive away. There were several choices that would have allowed her to stay with her children. Shit she could have gone to the grad school on the other coast and requested an internship in the city where her children lived, not stay on the other side of the country. She did it to herself but wants to get mad because she fucked up and a situation she thought she could control, even from far away did not turn out the way she was expecting.

There is so much more to this than i even care to write but its just an example of the joy of the ex wife. Not only does He have to deal with her for the rest of his life, which in itself is a difficulty because the 2 of them have to figure out how they are going to interact and its not really that enjoyable to be on the sidelines of that , but I will also have to deal with her because I am the mother of her children’s brother, oy vey!

-Louise

 

Wait! But, what about me!?

I think that for many women (or men) that are joining a family (stepping into an existing family) it can often be hard to find that balance. Of modifying to fit into the new mold set out in front of you and maintaining who you are. It seems easier for the father/mother because they know their kids, the ex, and the situation. It is less of a transition for them… or is it?

For the first 9 months of our relationship, we had our weekends. He would come visit me and I would surprise him with hotel rooms or special trips. And he would surprise me with hotel rooms, cabin in the mountains, and fun adventures.

After about a year…. We get every weekend together but “our” time is two hours before bed and small times we find ways to “sneak” away. But, nothing is more of a turn off than being in the middle of being intimate and hearing, “Dad!”.

I end up feeling selfish for not wanting to give my whole self to his family. It seems to revolve around him, his kids, and his family. I understand and love family, but I’ve lived about 2,000 from mine for about a decade now. I spent two years all by myself. My life previously had consisted of figuring out what I wanted to do. If I wanted to spend 2 hours at a cafe reading a book and then randomly going  into a bar in West Hollywood on Oscar night and not getting home until 2 am… I could do that. Now I feel like I’m on someone else’s roller coaster.

But, it’s not his fault. He is a single father raising his kids all by himself. He never gets a break. He doesn’t get time for himself. I’m still away during the week. He says that this is a transition stage and that it won’t always be like this…. I’m scared that it isn’t the case, but I’m trying to be more patient and be more selfless. All I’ve wanted for the past 2 years of being on my own was finding someone who would love me unconditionally. Now I’ve been fortunate in life and love to have found exactly that. It’s just figuring out how to carve out the space for me in his family, without losing who I am…

-Thelma

Quotes/Lyrics

Young Folks: Peter, Bjorn, and John

“If I told you things I did before, told you how I used to be
Would you go along with someone like me
If you knew my story word for word, had all of my history
Would you go along with someone like me”